Saturday, June 13, 2009

Advice To A Young Bedhopper

Leave it to my favorite Woman of Experience to come up with the cleverest riff on actor David Carradine's "bad sex gone wrong" death in Thailand.

Ms R was very sad to hear of the death of David Carradine whom she remembers fondly from the Kung Fu TV series. She finds she has much in common with Poe, who taught the young Grasshopper. When Ms R is not busy dealing with the earthly world she provides spiritual guidance to young women seeking the path of light. Here are some transcripts from her recent teachings.

Guru R: What is it that brings you here?

Bedhopper: Guru R, I seek answers to many questions.

Guru R: While you are laughing at the monkey, he is stealing your food.

Bedhopper: Why should I be watching the monkey?

Guru R: Sorry, little in joke. (Guru R giggles) Go on.

Bedhopper: Now I have met new man. We have pillow fights, wear matching Ralph Lauren linens when walking in the park and eat ice cream out of tubs.

Guru R: Sounds good, if a little dull. Why have you interrupted the meditations of Guru R?Bedhopper: I do not know what he is thinking in his Man head.

Guru R: Silly Bedhopper. Do you think he will tell you what you want to know? And if he tells you what you do not want to know what then? The Man does not wish to talk. It is his nature simply to live in the moment. In a shed preferably. Is it not enough for you that he shares cliched existence with you?

Bedhopper: I see my friends now with pram, bearing child. Their reclaimed wood farmhouse tables display freshly made pesto. They talk of schools and of Thomas the Tank Engine. I worry I may not follow the divine way and that the forest will be bare.

Guru R: Bedhopper, it is your worry that will drive him away. Not to mention your talk of expensive off road prams and coffee mornings with smug mothers at ailing, overpriced American coffee chain. You must enjoy the journey. But pack lightly. Always wear shoes when crossing the river, especially if there is no boat. And the crocodile does not sleep.
Bedhopper: Is that another joke?

Guru R: (Giggles) Yes. Now what's your problem? Bedhopper, this can only end in cheap warm Chardonnay and embarrassing nights out with other women where you reveal your breasts and end up crying. Not a good look. Guru R says you must enjoy the entree rather than thinking of the pudding.

Bedhopper: Guru R. But the whole point of the entree is to reach the pudding, surely?
Guru R: I too was once a young Bedhopper and I was all about the pudding. But then I realised that after the pudding there is nothing. Ok maybe an espresso. And a brandy. But what then? The bill of course. Best to stick with the entree and make it last as long as possible.

Bedhopper: Guru R you are truly wise. Not to mention clever, funny and gorgeous.

Guru R: Bedhopper, cut the compliments. Just leave the money on your way out. And take off those leggings. They don't work.

If you are looking for some of the cleverest writing on the net, check out Ms R's serialized novel Toxic People. You know that you're going to want to read it.
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